I apologise for being a mess most times. But I don’t feel sorry for being a mess at times because I’ve come to accept me (who is actually just a giant pile of utter disarray) as ME. It took me quite a long time to even come to liking me and accept me as how I am. But anyways I cry. I’ve been having a lot of episodes of crying myself to sleep or silently sobbing when alone in these past months than I did in my entire existence till now. I did a rather long sob session last week even though I could’ve handled the situation without the waterworks but I ended up crying. I felt I really needed to feel out these emotions physically.
Growing up I detested crying or thought of those who cried as weak. But as I grow older I realize more and more the importance and the intense nature of having these emotions flow out every now and then. I really truly love this feeling I have after I’ve bawled out my heart. They keep me in check too these emotions and feelings. Helps me feel more human than ever, that I have flaws and I’m just like everyone else and that infact on the contrary makes me feel special.
Crying has helped me wash away the emotional suppression I’ve had for the longest time, made me feel free and bare in a good way, rather comforting. It’s like I’m pressing the refresh option but with my body.
I wish I didn’t feel conscious or embarrassed about crying around people, even with the closest ones because I know that a lot of times I talk intensely and I can feel my emotions about to burst out and trickle down my cheeks. And in that moment I have to suck it in and suppress it so that I don’t weird people out. Because when I’m crying I don’t want anyone to pity me and want me to be seen as “dramatic”. I just want crying to be seen as another form of showing emotions like being happy you smile, when you’re sad your eyes speak for it and when you’re in rage your facial structure wrinkles up. Crying has helped me let go of that suppressed emotional burden that I’ve been feeling for the longest time. Even though it hasn’t helped me entirely heal the mental issues I’m dealing with but it gives a relief and that is so so important when you’ve been having the worse bout of heaviness in your heart. So don’t be ashamed to show some genuine emotion or to cry. It sorta helps and I hope it helps you too even just a little.
-Bliss Ningnem Langel 20-09-2017